Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Quotes and stuff

I have realized, just this evening, how many regrets I have.
I am not the completely just, honorable, honest and morally sound person I thought I was.
It occurred to me only as I was sitting at my table, rapt in anxiety over a current situation regarding the dismissal of a former best friend, for too many valid reasons to mention. I wondered why I was so fearful of the aftermath of her anger, as I'm positive she will attempt to defile my name to anyone who will listen. At first, it was merely the principal of the thing that bugged me... as it still does, for she does not have the right to gossip about me to others, based on an issue between us.
However, upon reflection, I realized that I have many, many things that could be used as arsenal against my character. I have hurt people through my actions with the opposite sex: pursuing males sexually, who my friends has either an interest in or a former relationship with. I have inadvertently lied to people I care about, about issues that I am insecure about. I have let go of many friends, being absolutely lax with effort to see them, and I have cut ties with those who I value. I had become an angry, bitchy, vindictive little girl, and I hated myself for it.
I cannot blame her for my actions. I was not a good person, in numerous ways, in the past year and a half.
I am crippled with lonliness and sadness, anxiety and regret. I can only empathize and understand those who have, and will, remove me from their life entirely due to my actions, or inaction, and I do not blame them. I am so sad that I will never have the opportunity to approach these subjects with those I have hurt, and I would love nothing more than to apologize for my behavior and explain that I have learned from my mistakes, I'm still learning, and they did not deserve my complete and utter lack of concern or regard for their feeling.
I am so sorry: Chels, Nicole, Grant, Kyler, Lori, Jess, Mike, Chris, Mel, Shaun, Sopan. I am so sorry. I am so so sorry.
I hope that one day I can achieve some form of forgiveness for my behavior. For now, I can only learn, grow, and evolve into the person I desire to be: a person who has no regrets, and who doesn't hurt anybody's feelings.
Today is the first day, of the rest of my life as a changed, new and forward-thinking woman. And for this, and the lessons learned tonight, I am glad.

Ah heck here it is in full:

-This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.-

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Late-night method

At present, I am reading the definition of 'Karma' on the great omnipresent purveyor of knowledge; Wikipedia. The notion of Karma, as well as it's offshoots and philosophical peers, is an increasingly valid and beneficial concept regarding one's navigation of the self and conscious mind, on this worldly plane. Emphasis is placed heavily, it seems, on finding a delicate balance that strays from externalities, negative concepts and actions, and toward increasing rationality and empathetic tendencies toward the self and the human other.
One concept that struck out at me, if only in fleeting thought, was how prevalent the notion of mental scrutiny and reflection was. The mind, in this process, is continually prone to re-evaluation, re-invigoration, and change. Now, I had always seen this as apart from a deity figure; a 'God'-like structure. I do not necessarily believe in an afterlife, nor do I believe in a great being that determines one's fate and dictates when one is pardoned from mortal sin. However, upon conscious consideration of the idea of Karma, one thing occurred to me: if most, if not all of our involvement-morally, ethically, worldly-in this life is based on our output of mental actions and conclusions, perhaps believing, even remotely, in a 'Higher Being' of sorts is a logical process in this mental achievement of enlightenment. If, by virtue that the mind is what determines the world, we are to believe-even at a distance-in a being that watches over all humanity, or the individualized self-a personal deity, perhaps this is exerting a mental-emotional power in recognizing the fickle, if not flawed nature of this concept, yet choosing to consciously believe in such a being, if only to enhance the overall karma and positive outlook of one's life.
Essentially... if belief, even skewed or not wholly apparent, makes one humble, or perhaps more optimistic at the nature and state of life, interactions, and the way of the world-is it mentally viable to, after a period of distance from this concept, believe if only for the sake of enhancing the self-experience in the world in an altruistic, selfless manner? Could this be another designation of a selfless act... to believe in something unproven, highly contested, if perhaps a bit scary, for the sake of making one's personal experience in the world, and what path one chooses to take in this lifetime, that much more rounded and fulfilled? Perhaps, for the highly introspective and contemplative mind-within whom rationality and logic are paramount-this is the absolute test of mental prowess: the choice to believe in a contestable concept so highly abused and tainted by modern religious practices, as a practice in mental control and functionality.
If I, then, allow myself to believe in a Higher Power, something above me and more worldly then I, something that makes me continually strive to better myself and better those around me, something that I can aspire to and look to as a purely mental manifestation of all I aspire to be and all that is humility-instilling in it's omnipresence and ethereal nature, something that represents both 'my enlightened self' and 'all that surrounds me'.... woah. I suddenly understand a little bit more what I must do in this life to achieve my full potentiality as a human being. And perhaps that is where it begins.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Feeling so...

Heard it from another room
Eyes were waking up just to fall asleep
Loves like suicide
Dazed out in a garden bed
With a broken neck lays my broken gift
Just like suicide

And my last ditch
Was my last brick
Lent to finish her
Finish her

Bit down on the bullet now
I had a taste so sour
I had to think of something sweet
Loves like suicide
Safe outside my gilded cage
With an ounce of pain
I wield a ton of rage
Just like suicide

With eyes of blood
And bitter blue
How I feel for you
I feel for you

She lived like a murder
How shed fly so sweetly
She lived like a murder
But she died
Just like suicide

-Soundgarden

Thursday, December 18, 2008

What the...?

When and how did we end up here
This place devoid of merriment and joy
Suddenly so full of life and potentiality
And the confusion that encounters the progression of two minds interacting together
Engaged bodies and souls linked suddenly like vines intertwined
Chaotic yet natural exploration of another being, another being
Both so new to this life, both so seasoned and proud
Both so scared and alone and transitioning poorly into adulthood
Suddenly, instantaneously, completely intimate.

I truly do not know how I feel about this one.